the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
ttyl tear gas
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
