I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
