Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So many bounce houses so little time
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
