I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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