I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
