He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
