it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
