i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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