So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
