He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
