Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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