I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
