Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
