woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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