I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
