I smell stomach acid.
Is it because I queefed?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
