apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
