Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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