ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize