I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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