I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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