so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
