So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
