I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
