made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
