I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
