I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
