I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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