Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
