I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
