She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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