some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
