Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
