Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
