So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
