Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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