I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
