I like my sex mixed with concussions.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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