What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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