The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
