I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
