My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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