don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
