Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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