He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
