I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
