please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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