I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
