my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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