So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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